When God Speaks

“You know when God talks to you and you just know?” I said to a friend describing why I had a third child. “Uh, no, I don’t” she said. It’s something that I had obviously taken for granted my whole life up until that moment. As far back as I can remember, I’ve always talked to God and throughout that time He has answered. It’s not that I actually hear His voice but there are many ways that He speaks. Sometimes, it’s so subtle that I almost miss it but recently God spoke and he must have thought I missed the message because He kept on talking and talking and talking. I am so thankful because it’s truly a gift. It’s something that I can lean on when my faith begins to waver. And after talking to my friend, I realized that I need to start sharing because I’m pretty sure God is talking all the time but many of us just don’t know how to listen. I’m sharing this story to illustrate one way he speaks to me.

The first piece in this particular message was through my dear friend, aka my soul sister, Sherrie. During our phone conversation, she mentioned her friend from her prayer group referring to a scripture about God giving us legs like deer and then she mentioned a scripture about mounting up with wings like eagles. Ok, so at this point it didn’t mean much to me but I thought the imagery was beautiful. I could picture a beautiful deer bounding through a forest and an eagle taking flight but the message didn’t make it through…yet.

The following Sunday, I went to church and the pastor took us through the book of Habakkuk. One of the scriptures that he and his wife highlighted was this, “The Lord God is my strength; He will make my feet like deer’s feet, And He will make me walk on my high hills.” (Habakkuk 3:19) A little light bulb went off and a “hmm, is this you God?”

Then I was searching through pinterest for something to put up in Isaiah’s room. I saw a cool print that was boyish and it happened to have a scripture on it. “But those who wait on the Lord Shall renew their strength; They shall mount up with wings like eagles, They shall run and not be weary, They shall walk and not faint.” (Isaiah 40:31) At the time, I thought this would be awesome for Isaiah’s room but I hadn’t connected it together yet.

August 13^th, I was reading one of my daily devotionals, Joyce Meyer: Promises for Your Everyday Life, that I get on my YouVersion App.  So here is the first sentence, “People often ask me, “How can I know for sure whether I’m hearing from God or just making things up?”  She goes on to suggest waiting on God and how this gives us strength and guess which scripture she used? Yep, Isaiah 40:31. Now I have light bulbs flashing and ding! ding! ding!  But it doesn’t end there!

Then, the next day I’m trying to catch up on my email and I come to an update from a blog that I follow. It’s called (in)Courage.  Again there it is, Isaiah 40:31. Seriously, what are the odds that the same exact scripture pops up over and over within a few days? How many scriptures are there in the Bible?

Then, I took the kids to the library and to the park. As I was putting Kai in his seat, he said to me, “Mommy, do you know how eagles stay safe in a storm? They wait for the storm and then they fly above it.” I said, “What?” Of course now the scripture on eagles has been on my mind but I haven’t talked to the kids about it. He continued, “They have to wait for the storm to take off and then they can fly above it.” The eagles use the strong winds from the storm to fly above it. Ok! Now I think I finally get it. God loves to talk to me through my five year old son. It’s really good for taking my “I’m so smart” ego down a notch or two. God may not create the difficulties in our life but he sure can use them for good. We can use the “storms” in our life to lift us up higher than we were before. The message was also about strength, when I wait on God and when I trust in Him to turn all things for good, it’s then that I’m given strength that lifts me up like the wings of an eagle or like the bounding feet of deer. It’s amazing.  And it’s just what I needed during this time. All three kids had hand foot mouth disease and then just as they were getting over it Elijah got it. Let me just put it this way, I needed strength and Thanks to God, He gave me an overabundance of it.

I don’t usually talk about my relationship with God but it’s kind of selfish of me to keep it to myself. At the risk of people thinking I’m crazy, naïve, deluded etc. I have to start sharing my experiences. I hope that it may help someone else hear from God too. If you’ve never heard from God, then you really don’t know what you’re missing. It’s so AWESOME, in the true sense of the word. And here are a few more words for you, it’s LOVE, it’s JOY, it’s PEACE.   Ask God to speak to you in a way that you will hear and then wait on Him. Trust me, it’s worth the wait.

October 1,2012

So after I finished writing the above I wanted to publish it so badly but I just had the feeling that I needed to wait. Now I realize that was because the story wasn’t finished yet.

On my birthday, September 7^th, I decided to start a year-long devotional through my Bible app on my phone. I’ll give you one guess what the very first scripture was? You got it, Isaiah 40:31. I literally got tears in my eyes and thanked God for the birthday present.  The funny thing is that I didn’t even think about what I had already written about this scripture.

Then a few days later something truly miraculous happened to me. My birthday was on a Friday and I talked to my mother and she seemed fine. We made plans to get together that weekend. All weekend long, I tried to get a hold of her and I didn’t hear from her which was odd since she usually calls multiple times every day. Then Monday morning my mother called me and I could tell something was wrong right away. My mother has bipolar disorder and has a long history (33 years) of mental breakdowns. She didn’t know what day it was and she was hysterical because she had blacked out and her apartment was trashed. In the middle of a sentence the phone went dead. I kept calling her and got the answering machine. I called her case manager and she agreed to meet me at my mother’s apartment. I was very concerned that she passed out, blacked out or worst case scenario that she was dead.

I got the three kids ready, we picked up Elijah from work and we drove to her apartment. He waited in the car with the kids while I went in. It was pretty much indescribable. My mother was clearly in the middle of a breakdown and that is never a pretty sight. I tried calling Elijah from my cell phone but he didn’t pick up. I was immensely grateful that her case manager showed up and helped take her to the hospital. I got back in the car with Elijah and later that day he told me he had never seen me look so distressed. I am usually very good at putting on a brave face.

When we got to Elijah’s workplace, I got out of the car and into the driver’s seat. Before I buckled myself in, I put my phone down and noticed that it suddenly turned on. Now this is what I know to be the miracle…on the screen was Isaiah 40:31. I immediately showed Elijah and as I did I felt an amazing sense of peace and strength that I know did not come from me. The miracle is that my phone was off. For me to get that scripture on the phone I would have had to press the phone on, then I would have to unlock the phone by pressing across and then putting a 4 digit security code into the phone, then when it came on it should have been on the phone screen because the last thing I did was call Elijah, then I would have to scroll over  to open up my Bible app on the next screen and then it should have been on the last thing that I read, which was the daily devotional, then I would have had to open up my bookmarks and scroll down to Isaiah 40:31 and press it. None of that happened, I put a turned off phone down. I saw the screen was black and then out of nowhere this scripture showed up on my phone in the most perfect timing.

I can hear the skeptics already saying, “it was a glitch”. The thing is that I do not care what any skeptic thinks because I know what it was. I know the state that I was in before and after this happened and technical glitches don’t have that kind of power. I know that I don’t have that kind of power because I’ve been through this kind of experience with my mother too many times to count. I’ve never been able to access that kind of peace or strength before and trust me I’ve tried.

I feel overwhelmed by gratitude to God because whenever my mother has a breakdown it is usually very trying for me. It’s a lot of pressure to take care of her finances, her cats, clean up the disasters that she creates and visit her while she’s delusional and usually abusive. But from the moment I got that scripture on my phone and throughout her breakdown, I have felt God’s peace and strength.  God is so good. If you haven’t heard from Him lately, then maybe it’s time you have a conversation. I promise He’s waiting for you.

Busted!

Busted!

Ha ha ha ha ha! I just love Isaiah so much! He makes me laugh and cry but I really have to appreciate these times that he makes me laugh. Last night, he wanted a piece of chocolate cake but I told him we already had enough treats for the day. Well, that did not go over so well. We had a level 5 (out of 10) meltdown. A level 5 involves a lot of flailing, screeching and the occasional thrown object. We’ve never seen a 10 but I’m quite sure it involves the earth splitting open.

Once he calmed down, we hugged and I told him that he could have it tomorrow. As he walked away I heard him whisper, “I’m going to eat it when I wake up, hmmf.” I let it go thinking, “that’s what you think buddy.”

Well, Isaiah is a man of his word. He woke up and instead of screaming and waking me up as usual he quietly snuck down the stairs and pulled a kitchen chair up to the fridge to get the cake hidden at the top. Then he proceeded back up the stairs to wake me up. This is the face that woke me up.

The Innocent Look

Yes, doesn’t he look oh so innocent. Kai asked him, “Isaiah did you eat the chocolate cake?” Isaiah in the most sweet, angelic voice you could imagine said, “yes.” Hahahaha, I love him so much. At least he was honest about the whole thing. What makes it even more funny to me is that he didn’t realize he had cake all over his face and up his nose.

All Types of Yellow Glory

Tete-a-tete Daffodil

Yesterday was beautiful, yellow, sunshiny kind of day. I was moved to make a batch of natural lotion and when I was looking at my lotion-making notes I realized the last time I made a batch was exactly a year ago to the day on February 21, 2011.

This batch turned out glorious. In fact I think I’m going to name this recipe, which is something I haven’t done before,  yellow glory. I used some olive oil that I infused with Calendula and Chamomile for 8 weeks. I also used coconut oil, cocoa butter, beeswax, vitamin E oil, aloe vera juice, grapefruit and lemon essential oils. Here are a couple pictures from the process.

Melting the oils together.

Mixing the oils with the aloe vera juice and essential oils.

I filled all these jars with "yellow glory".

It’s a pretty pale shade of yellow. Next time, I might try substituting the cocoa butter because the scent overwhelms the lemon a little bit. But I love the consistency because it is very moisturizing but it still feels silky smooth.

I love the process of making lotion. It fills a creative need for me and I enjoy how the senses are satisfied with smells and textures.  I enjoy the measuring, concocting, and the art of finding just the right mixture.  There is much to inspire.

The beautiful picture of the daffodils was a gift from my brother and sister-in-spirit Jill. They came for dinner yesterday and brought me these beautiful flowers!!! See it was a yellow glory type of day!

Heaven is for Real

Okay, those of you who know me casually may be a little surprised about this but my favorite things to talk about are all those things you are NOT supposed to talk about…you know religion/spirituality, politics, sexuality…what’s the other one? Oh yeah, money. Well, that topic isn’t that interesting to me but with 3 out of 4 you’d think I was a social pariah. Fortunately, I’ve learned enough about small talk to get by, lol.

Last week, I got two packages from my wonderful and generous friend, Michele. It’s so nice to get special things in the mail. One of the packages contained more beautiful hand-me-downs from her daughter to give to Zoe. The other package was the book Heaven is for Real by Todd Burpo with Lynn Vincent.

I started reading it that night before bed and I finished it before lunch the next day!  Granted it’s only 162 pages but I could not put it down. It touched my heart so many times while reading the book. Without giving too much away, it’s about a “little boy’s astounding story of his trip to heaven and back.” I’m sure there are plenty of skeptics out there but to be honest, I’m not really too interested in what they have to say about this.

Have any of you read this book yet? What were your thoughts? There’s so much like I’d like to write about but simply do not have the mental energy at the moment.

Even if you haven’t read this book yet, do you believe in heaven? Personally, I do.  I know somehow that there is a God, Jesus and a heaven. I guess you call that faith.

It seems like there are a lot of people  who believe in heaven, so isn’t it curious why so many of us that believe are still scared to die. I know…I really know how to keep it light.  LOL. I just think it’s interesting that the people who have had near death experiences all seem to lose that fear of dying and look forward to heaven.

This morning when I turned on my computer, my homepage had this quote from Albert Einstein.

“Everyone who is seriously involved in the pursuit of science becomes convinced that a spirit is manifest in the laws of the universe – a spirit vastly superior to that of man, and one in the face of which we with our modest powers must feel humble. In this way the pursuit of science leads to a religious feeling of a special sort, which is indeed quite different from the religiosity of someone more naive.” –Albert Einstein, German physicist, created theory of general relativity.

I always find it interesting when science and religion and or spirituality mix. If you do too, then you might also like one of my favorite documentaries, “I am” directed by Tom Shadyac. One of my favorite parts of the documentary is when he talks about the experiment that was done with the split atom. When scientists manipulated one part of the atom on the east coast the other part of the atom on the west coast simutaneously reacted. That is mind boggling. I mean even if you just believe that they are still connected somehow then you might expect a delay in the reaction but to simutaneously react?!?!

Just some thoughts…and sorry if it seems a bit jumbled. I have been sick all weekend and have had very little sleep, which reminds me that I hope to post about dealing with nightmares and night time anxiety with children soon. Hope to hear from you in the comments!

Celery Print Flowers for Valentine’s Day

One of my boards on pinterest is for Valentine’s day ideas and we’ve finished a few of the projects. I absolutely love pinterest! It reminds me of a super organized, electronic version of vision boards. If you haven’t joined yet and want an invitation, then please leave me a comment and I’ll invite you.

This week we tried celery printed flowers. It was so much fun! We’ve already added some of the celery printed flowers to our valentines. Here’s a run down of how we did this.

First I cut off the stalks, creating the stamp. I noticed that I didn’t cut straight and it was a little difficult to get a flower picture. But when I cut it again, we got better results.

Isn't it pretty just like this?

Then the boys dipped the celery stamp into the paint.

Then Isaiah turned this into a multi-sensory project. He had to smell. Celery + paint= ?

Then we stamped the paper. The boys experimented with stamping techniques. They tried pressing gently, holding it down for a long time, hammering it with their fists etc. I found that the first stamp comes out a little gushy but the second and third stamp, without putting more paint on, comes out looking the most “flowerish”.

Kai added a little something extra special to his artwork. He dipped his fingers into the paint and made fingerprints all over the page. In typical Isaiah fashion he decided to use his hands to smear the prints into one big beautiful red blob.

When Mommy Makes a Mistake

Shhh, I've got a secret to tell...

Shhh, I’ve got a secret to tell….Mommies make mistakes. GASP!!! I know, shocking right? Isn’t there an entire field of psychology based on this fact?

Now that I’ve let the cat out of the bag, let me tell you about one of my most recent mistakes. I only have a short time to write about this mistake but don’t you worry because I’m sure I’ll be writing about more mistakes in the future.

To make a long story short, my five year old son, Kai was upset because I told him that he could have an orange after dinner instead of what he calls a “treat”, which means something purely made with white sugar. I calmly repeated, no and told him he could have an orange or be finished. He looked at me with tears welling up in his eyes and said, “I hate you!”

This was like a dagger to my heart. Here I think I’m loving him the best way I can and for the first time in his life he tells me that he hates me. Rationally, I know he doesn’t mean that he actually hates me. He is just very angry with me and this is how he is expressing that anger.

But emotionally I was knocked out, down for the count. I almost started to cry but I said, “That really hurt my feelings.”  I think I even said something like how would you like it if someone said that to you. He immediately felt bad about the situation and he probably felt like I didn’t understand him. I saw his chin fall down to his chest and I realized my mistake right in that moment.

My job in that moment was to empathize with his difficult emotions. He clearly didn’t have the right words to express the intensity of his anger and disappointment. But instead of empathizing with him my mistake was to focus on MY emotions. Now, don’t get me wrong. I do think that I was right to express my feelings but it should have been done later when we were calmed down and had the ability to think rationally.

I’m not going to beat myself up over this mistake. I am going to treat myself with compassion and learn from this. I have my own hurts from years of being my own mother’s mother. She has bipolar disorder and borderline personality disorder. Much of my childhood was spent mothering her, empathizing with her and learning that my own emotions didn’t matter unless it directly affected her. I surely do not want to repeat this mistake with my own children.

The blessing of my childhood is that I know how to deeply empathize and it’s probably why I became an expressive arts therapist. But it’s challenging to empathize when you feel attacked or hurt by someone. This is a spiritual test.  I hope the next time that I do better.

It’s easy to hope for the best but I have found that I need a plan. My plan is to try to recognize the intense emotions welling up inside of me and then try to take a break, even if it’s 10 seconds in the bathroom by myself. For me, deep breathing helps calm me down. I’m sure there are plenty of other stress management things one could do. Perhaps focusing on a serene picture on the wall or fridge.

What do you to calm yourself down in intense emotional exchanges?

Yoga with Children; The “I Love You!” Pose

I was doing yoga before I had any idea of what yoga was. When I was around nine years old, I remember my grandmother asking me, “what in the world are you doing?” as I’d watch tv in downward dog pose.

Now, I always smile when I see children stretching into yoga poses without realizing it. It seems like the ancient knowledge of yoga is buried into our dna.

My favorite yoga book for babies is Itsy Bitsy Yoga by Helen Garabedian. I’ve been using it with all three of my children and even though it’s for babies and toddlers my almost 3 year old and my five year old still beg me to do the poses with them. Kai is really starting to love the poses from the book Fly Like A Butterfly by Shakta Kaur Khalsa. I used many of the yoga stories from this book while teaching music and movement to pre-k to 2nd graders.

I wanted to write about one specific pose today because it’s one that all three children can not get enough of. If the boys are playing in another room and they hear me doing this pose with Zoe they come running. The way it goes is that the parent hold the babies hands and says “I” holding the babies hands to their heart. Then the parent says “Love” holding the hands out to the sides and finally the parent says, “YOU!” bringing the hands in and rocking the baby gently side to side.

I think it’s so powerful because the child is getting complete loving attention from the parent. They boys will even perform the pose on Zoe, which of course she loves.

Click on the link below to see an example of the “I Love You” pose with Zoe. It is a little different from what usually happens because Kai was video taping and getting her attention but she usually giggles quite a bit when we do this pose.

I Love You pose with Zoe

When a Poem Touches your Soul

Invictus

By William Ernest Henley1849–1903

Out of the night that covers me,

      Black as the pit from pole to pole,

I thank whatever gods may be

      For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance

      I have not winced nor cried aloud.

Under the bludgeonings of chance

      My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears

      Looms but the Horror of the shade,

And yet the menace of the years

      Finds and shall find me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,

      How charged with punishments the scroll,

I am the master of my fate,

      I am the captain of my soul.

Amazing.

When you read this poem, do you feel the same strength, inspiration and courage that I feel? It’s wondrous how people can string together words in just the right way to touch our  soul in ways so powerful and mysterious.

This weekend I watched the film Invictus, which was produced by Clint Eastwood, with Morgan Freeman and Matt Damon. Briefly, the movie is about how Nelson Mandela and the rugby team of South Africa help unite the people post-apartheid. I found myself wanting to jump up and down with joy at the end of the movie. A few things have really touched me about the story. First, that Mandela, who denounced the rugby team while he was imprisoned, had the ability to forgive those who imprisoned him and then supported this team, in order to bring the people of South Africa together. It must have been very difficult to do this when many of his black supporters probably wanted to get rid of the team. The strength of his character astounds me.

Since I’ve watched the movie, the poem, “Invictus”, especially the last two lines, “I am the master of my fate, I am the captain of my soul” keeps playing in my mind and I wonder what it’s trying to tell me. When I read the poem, I see the image of my soul as a ship on the ocean with me wearing a big yellow rain hat and jacket and steering the big wheel, ha ha!  I imagine going down into the belly of large waves and coming out on top to see the never ending horizon. It’s freeing and awe-inspiring but at the same time a bit scary.

Do you have a particular poem, quote,  saying or lyric that has touched you recently?

Thank You

I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart! I really cannot express how much it means to me that so many of you took the time to read, leave a comment or message me about my new blog.

Writing a blog can be very rewarding but it can also be scary to open up and feel so vulnerable. Have you ever had a conversation in which you admit something deep and personal and then the other person said nothing!? Sometimes it can feel like that when you blog and no one comments.

This reminds me of an amazing TED talk given by Brene Brown on The Power of Vulnerability.   This is the quote from TED about the talk,

Brene Brown studies human connection — our ability to empathize, belong, love. In a poignant, funny talk at TEDxHouston, she shares a deep insight from her research, one that sent her on a personal quest to know herself as well as to understand humanity. A talk to share.

If you watch it, please let me know because I’d love to have a conversation with you.  I can relate to Ms.Brown so well and the talk is very interesting and could possibly change the way you choose to live your life.

One of the most important things that I took away from this talk and what I hope this blog reflects is my attempt at having the courage to be imperfect, the compassion to be kind to myself and others and to be authentic. It’s a tall order and I don’t think I could do this without all of your support so again thank you so much. Here’s to connection and growing together!!! (just imagine clinking wine glasses together)

Skeleton Holding Smiley Face Balloon = Laughter

Isaiah cracks me up! This is typical Isaiah fashion wearing skeleton pajamas and holding a smiley face balloon. This morning he was super cranky and he walked into my room with a scowl on his face, while holding this balloon.

I started to laugh, which of course made him angry. And you know how hard it is to stop laughing when you know you shouldn’t be!

I can think of many times this got me in trouble. I remember walking the halls of my high school, after my teacher threw me out because I couldn’t stop laughing in a biology class. He told me to come back when I stopped. That was the only test that I can remember failing.

The worst time was when I went to see a play in NYC off broadway. It was a very intimate venue so everyone could see everyone. The play was freakin crazy!!! It was 100 times more ridiculous than any dream you’ve had…guaranteed! I was shaking and tears were rolling down my face. Elijah didn’t help the situation. He was covering his face and clearly making the sounds one makes when trying to stifle laughter. We were in the front row and I could have ripped off the plastic grapes covering one of the actors’ private area. The worst part was that everyone else was stone faced. How could they not laugh? It’s a good thing I wasn’t pregnant because I would have had “tears” running down my legs.

No point to this… Just sharing a part of my day.

What’s your go to when you need a good laugh? Right now, I love the shows Modern Family and The Office. I use to love the website funnyordie.com but haven’t been there in a while. I need some links to some funny videos if you have some to share.